How do you love someone?
by PrincessMcCormick
Summary: Kenny went to Craig's house and found an old notebook with his friend's life written there.


**Sorry if there's any mistakes. First time writing in English! Enjoy!**

_Mama never taught me how to love_

_Daddy never taught me how to feel_

_Mama never taught me how to touch_

_Daddy never showed me how to heal_

_Mama never set a good example_

_Daddy never held mama's hand_

Kenny entered in Craig's room. There wasn't nothing unusual, except for a blue notebook, with a guinea pig sticker on the cover. He knew that he wasn't allowed to read, but he did it anyway. Craig's name was on the first page, written in a childish letter. _He wrote this when we were kids._

Kenny turned the page and there was a text.

"This can be really gay, but I don't care, no one will read. My name is Craig Tucker and now i have 11 years old. My mom gave this notebook to me for school, but I don't give a fuck about school. I guess that nobody actually gives a fuck. Anyway, I decided to write about my life here, in a form to express my feelings since I don't talk about them with my friends and family. Family…. I don't know how can I call them like this. My father is always busy on his fucking work and my mom is always out. When both are home, they're fighting. Its been like this since i was 5, when my little sister Ruby was born. I can define my family with a lot of words. Destruction, anger, hate, anger… The only that doesn't matches is love. All the feelings that I learned in this house were those that i listed. Time has passed, and now i can't feel almost anything.

Last year i was alone at home at night, and my father suddenly came home, drunk. I didn't knew, so he came up at my room and hit my face. I screamed, but nothing happened. He hit again and again and again, until I beg him to stop. He looked at me and went to his room. I told this to my mom but she didn't believed me, I was expecting that. Looks like she doesn't care about me or Ruby. This goes for Dad too.

My friends are the only thing that makes me smile now. Well, at least they can make my life happier.

—-15 years old—-

Mama found everything hard to handle

Daddy never stood up like a man

I've walked around broken

Emotionally frozen

Gettin on, getting on

That's it. A week ago my mom killed herself. My sister was crying until yesterday. She was sleeping in my room because of that. Sometimes I found myself crying for what happened, but most of the times was because my sister was sad and i couldn't help. Mom finished herself in front of me and Ruby, with a knife. My sister yelled and i stayed there, looking at her. There was blood everywhere, what made me feel sick. We called 911 but i knew that they couldn't save her, it was done. My father cried for like an hour. After the funeral, Ruby went to her grave every week, bringing her flowers.

The picture of her, all bloody, never leaves my mind. Every time that i go to sleep i think about this. Everyday that I look at the exact place that she did that i think about this. I liked my mom, more than I like dad. No, i didn't loved her, i liked her in a maternal way, she was my mom after all.

Clyde and Kenny came to my house to comfort me. They were the first ones that I told about that. Kenny has experienced death several times. So I asked him that if he saw my mom, to ask her why she did that. He promised me that he was going to ask and I believe him.

I wasn't his friend until Bebe's party when we were 14. And looks like he cares about me, how annoying.

I was always the chosen child

(…)

They told me I'd never survive

But survival's my middle name

Since mom's death, my dad was always saying "If you don't get good grades, you can be considered dead to me." But i don't fucking care about him or school. The teachers are always saying that I'm clever and whatever.

I'm constantly skipping classes with Kenny to smoke or drink. I didn't wanna that, but we became really closer now. And that's what I fear. After all this shit that my life became I fear loving someone, I fear being loved. Why this fucking poor boy don't go and stay with someone better like his stupid friends? He always stays with me when the only thing that I ask is a cigarette. Fucking asshole.

—- 16 years old—-

It's hard to talk

To say what's deep inside

Kenny went to my house today. He said that it was important. I didn't care. I was reading one of my favorite books, Clockwork Orange, when he said that he was in love. "Who's the bitch now?" I asked innocently. He grinned and looked at my eyes. "I didn't know that you are a _bitch_, Tucker." Then everything stopped. I couldn't breathe. That was impossible. Who this asshole think he is to lie something like this? I just flipped him off and said to stop joking. He grabbed my hand and kissed my lips gently. I pushed him away. "Leave me alone." I said, I know that he wouldn't.

He asked me if i felt something for him. I didn't know how to answer this question. Its hard. I can't feel any love. I blocked this feeling when I was only a child. Love is the worse feeling in the world. How can he be so happy loving someone like me?

I just stared at him and suddenly started to cry. Fuck… Why am I so weak?

"You don't have to hide your feelings, Craig. I know that you fear love, but I also know that you have this feeling in you, you're just blocking it." God, i remember the words that he said to me. He's the only one that actually helped me with all my problems. I never noticed that, he was so close to me…

He gave me time to think about this. I still don't understand how can he be so calm about this? He's strange.

One week has passed before this conversation and I told him to come home. I will leave the notebook at my desk, so he can read all of this.

Plus, I thought about love. Its still the worst feeling, but there's always some exception, and he taught me that. I'm glad for being friends with Kenny and all the thing that he said to me. The feeling that I tried so hard to hide is now here. I'm in love with him and fuck… I don't feel so good since I was only a child. "

I owe him a lot…

—End—-

"Have you read until the end?" Craig was at the door, with a cigarette in his mouth and Stripe on his hands. He walked into the room and sat down on the bed, looking directly at Kenny.

"Yeah… I didn't know all of your story. I'm sorry for everything that happened to you…"

"That's okay, it wasn't your fault. I don't really care anymore. Its on the past. Present is what matters."

"Craig, I L…"

"I know. Me too."

They don't say the L word. It's still hard to Craig to say this, so they will just keep like that. Someday Craig will say that he loves Kenny, and he will wait.


End file.
